confidence builder

I wish I could build my confidence.

I don't like walking down hallways, or pathways, or any ways. I try to walk as fast as I can to hide. I don't want people to see my face, I don't want people to see my body. I don't want people to look. I like to look at the floor, or rather pretend to look elsewhere as if someone is on the other end waiting for me.

I don't like when people stare, it makes me uncomfortable.I'm scared to look people in the eye sometimes, because of what they might see. Lack of asthetics, whole package wise- head to toe.

So I'm sorry if I come off stand-offish.. It's in my nature to feel embarassed about myself. I wish it was always fall. So i could hide under sweaters, and mittens, and scarves and hats. So no one would have to look at me in scrutiny, all bundled and secure.. so safe and sound.. my comfort zone which im so hesitant to leave..

I wish I could just sit still.

I think it would be alot easier on everyone. I've got this ambitious nature- tendency is, I let everything in my life become "temporary". That way, I never have to feel "held back", I never have to feel that dependence one may or may not acquire through romantic/platonic relationships. I never have to be scared to walk out because I don't allow myself to physically/mentally attach myself to any person, place, or thing.. . If I ever start to imagine that I can't live without that person, place, or thing, I try to runaway- because I'm scared of living that life, that life of needing. I can leave and back out whenever I want, when I have no courage to stay.. .

I'm a pansy when it comes to life.

And for the first time im not scared to admit it.... im so ambitious when it comes to getting what i want, when i want it, i do everything in my power to get it.. . But then when it comes down to it, im the one running scared.. . I'm not confident enough to be positive on anything I do, a big heavy paperweight in life.

Where do you get your courage/confidence? And where can I buy some?